Most of us have been there at one time or another in one form or another. The form is not only the "romantic break up", the addiction breakups are right up there in the major breakups category. I have had my share of breakups and the one on my mind right now the end of my relationship with cigarettes.
My affair with cigs lasted 25 years. It began in earnest when I was a teenager and lasted until I was 40. It is amazing how I felt hostage to the white wand. I had plenty of reasons, even as a kid, to know better. There were no public campaigns against it at the time and it was still socially in vogue. My "should have known better", came in the form of seeing my grandfather, who was a life long smoker, have his voice box removed because of cancer. I even got to see what had been cleaned out of his lungs and was now in large bottles. It wasn't pretty and the word most apt to describe it would be bleeped.
I was totally seduced by cigarettes. Instead of the 2000 chemicals rolled up in a cigarette, I could only see 2000 reasons to smoke. I don't know if I thought they would give me the answers to all of life's questions, guide me in what to do, help me or what, but every time I needed someone or something I would turn to my cigarettes first. And they were always there for me whenever I needed one. Every time I had a cigarette it held so much promise. Whether it was to answer life's most pressing questions, deal with situations or experiences that had arisen, or to choose a course of action in order to change things, I always felt that maybe this time, with this smoke, things might turn out differently. But every cigarette ended as just another dream up in smoke.
Speak about two fold, we all know that cigs are an old friend not a good friend. They displayed their two fold nature in another way - cigarettes provided the way for me to take those moments to stop what I was doing, get quiet, relax and hear the voice within me, but they also provided a distraction so I wouldn't have to listen to the voice.
Over the years my thinking, my lifestyle and my priorities changed. I couldn't say I knew the pros and cons about smoking, since there are really no pros and only cons. It would be more accurate to say that I was well versed in the cons, but "needed" the magic of the next cigarette more. A part of me wanted to quit, but another part of me loved the cigarettes. Yes, actually for most of that 25 years I loved them.
Many people over the years gave me lots of advice on quiting, mostly unsolicited, and generally from former smokers who wanted to reform the world, one smoker at a time and I happened to be the one in the cross-hairs of their scope at the time. It didn't help to hear my father, who quit cold turkey with just one try, say how easy it was. I know some of those people had my best interests at heart but the methods they employed didn't help one little bit. It was actually when most of them had given up on me; stopped nagging, begging and preaching, leaving me to figure things out for myself that I was able to make a good decision.
A couple of times I remember the little voice telling me it is time to quit smoking, the first time was after a relationship break up. I told a wise, non-smoking friend about this urge and she shared her thoughts, which were, "forget about quitting smoking for now, you have enough on your plate to deal with at this time." I was disappointed with her reaction and let the opportunity slip by thinking, oh well maybe it wasn't a good idea. My reaction to this was have another cigarette and mull things over. Maybe my big opportunity would come another time.
The next time I had this little urge was during a similar situation. I had gone on a few dates with someone and discovered it wasn't for me. In the clarity of all that was the little voice, not only telling me to move on but to quit smoking too. I didn't tell anyone this time, I didn't need anyone's permission or approval, I just did it. This was my first serious attempt at ending the "package" relationship. It was on my 40th birthday weekend. I remember flying across the country on my birthday, not seeing anyone that I knew but knowing that this weekend was a change weekend. I wasn't only changing decades I was changing my thinking about various things in my life, what was working for me, what wasn't. I was going home, but not as I had left a couple of days before. I was going back with less, (the habit) but with more, more of me.
I will mention too a couple of not so serious attempts at quitting smoking over the 25 years. I remember a Monday to Friday event once, and the weekend is what ended that attempt. The next time I flipped it around and quit for a weekend. I actually made an entire quilt between the sun down on a Friday night to the sunrise Monday morning. As soon as I finished the quilt and had nothing to do with my mind or my hands I picked up the cigarettes again.
My first serious attempt returning home on my 40th birthday weekend lasted a couple of months and Christmas Eve was my downfall this time. Well if there were no weekends, no Mondays if I quit on the weekend, or Christmas Eves one of those attempts might have worked. Just joking. The good news is that I didn't stay down for long, compared to the 25 years that I had smoked. I smoked for three months after my Christmas Eve slip up, just long enough for me to get to a point of clarity in another relationship. When I let go of the dysfunctional relationship, my dysfunctional relationship with cigarettes went too and this time for good.
I promised myself that I would not be one of those reformed smokers and I would allow everyone their own freedom to choose. I do realize that the cigarettes on some level serve a purpose in everyones' life, or they wouldn't be there. For me, that need was to provide a cover, or smoke screen, for what was going on in my relationships. In all my relationships, from romantic, family, friends, and workplace. With my cigarettes in hand I had to deal with very little. I could ignore most or make myself feel better with a cigarette. I could also kid myself too about my part in things. Cigarettes were my band-aid but the truth of the matter was that I needed healing and a band-aid wasn't cutting it. Until I was ready to heal my wounds I didn't want anyone tearing my band-aid off. I had to be the one to remove it, let fresh air get at things in order to let them heal.
Just as cigarettes are dual in nature, that duality spilled over and created a two part life for me. I now had a "when I smoked life" and a "when I didn't smoke life". I found that there were many things in life that I had never done without my faithful companion cigarette going with me. Wow, it was a little scary to think of going to social events without my cigarettes. Things like comforting a grieving friend totally on my own left me feeling awkward and unsure of what to do, but I showed up much more real. All I could think in that situation was "I have never done this without a cigarette, if I had a cigarette I would know what to do". I didn't fall for my own line. And I started creating a whole new life for myself, similar to learning how to walk for the second time. There were so many things that I had never done without a cigarette and doing them now was like doing them for the first time. I was leaning my walk all over again and I didn't have to walk the same way.
So what does all this have to do with "Do Something Good"? - I had a chance to support someone else in their attempt to quit smoking. I had done this before, but while I was still a smoker. This was the first time I had the opportunity as a non-smoker. And to be completely honest I am not sure how I did. I could tell my friend was going back to her habit and I felt that it was her decision to make. She had enough people telling her what to do, a non-smoker or should I say anti-smoker who was more than happy to give an opinion on the subject and a smoker who would be just as comfortable if she continued to smoke. The anti-smoker and the smoker are a reflection of the inner-self and the ego within us, seeing which one will win. I felt that this was a decision she had to make totally on her own without anyones' interference and having said that I didn't feel that I should interfere by pointing that out. I also didn't want to give a reaction when she told me she had started smoking again, a reaction that might lead her to believe that I was disappointed in her. Any disappointment I have is that the addictive power of cigarettes is so strong and not a disappointment that any one is too weak. Yes I am disappointed that something so small can be so strong and have such power.
From my own experience I know that it is the person who knows when they are ready. It is not just ready to quit smoking but ready to deal with the reason why you smoked. Not everyone deals with the reason why, and for those that don't they are missing out on a golden opportunity to go from the clouds of smoke to walking on clouds. This does take hard work, awkward situations and dealing with things that for, sometimes, years you preferred not to deal with or didn't think you were strong enough to. That was the case with relationships and the role they played in my life.
I thought I was doing my best to serve my friend during her attempt at leaving the smoking relationship. One thing I have learned with my friend's attempt at quitting smoking is that I really should have just asked, "how can I serve you best?" For me being of service isn't just if they decide they want to do the big breakup with the habit, but also if they choose to continue smoking. I want to know how I can serve them best in their life, no matter what the state of affairs.
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